I have a ton of hair. I always have, and I thought I always would. People have always told me that I’m so lucky because I’ll never have to worry about going bald when I get older. Welp, joke’s on them.
Before starting chemo, every doctor told me that I would lose my hair. That didn’t surprise me. I’ve been preparing myself for it since I found out I have cancer. Nevertheless, I still joked about it, saying things like, “Oh, well maybe it’ll just fall out evenly and I’ll look like I have a normal amount of hair for once”. It was my way of avoiding the reality of it because it took me a really long time to love my hair, and now that I’ve learned to love its wavy, coarse, unruliness, I want to keep it.
When I woke up on Wednesday morning, I found the lovely ball of hair that’s pictured above, waiting for me on my pillow case.
It didn’t feel like a big deal at first. I mean, I lose that much (and sometimes more) every time I wash my hair- I’ve always shed like a dog- but then I remembered that I hadn’t washed my hair yet.
I went to the bathroom and starting weaving my fingers through my hair (I never use a brush), and with each finger that went through, I pulled out more and more. I stood in the bathroom with my mouth open wide, just staring at all of it.
It was a lot harder to face than I thought it would be.
I’m still not bald, nor do I have visibly balding spots (like I said, I have a ton of hair), but something about watching it fall out is a little heart-breaking. It doesn’t physically hurt, and I don’t have to pull on it to make it fall. It just falls because it’s dead.
But! As weird and kind of sad as it is, it’s a good thing! It means the chemo is working, and that is wonderful.
Nevertheless, I’ll probably shave my head this weekend or sometime next week. A lot of people have already told me that I’m being a little extreme (because no one, but me, can tell that I’m losing my hair), but it’s okay. The way I see it, I’m going to lose it anyway. So I have two choices, either wait for it to happen, or make it happen myself. And taking matters into your my own hands is much more empowering than waiting and miserably watching.
I’m not going to lie, I’m scared to be bald. Very few women can pull it off well, and unfortunately, short, chubby women don’t really make the cut. But, there are wigs and scarves and wraps to help cover it up, as well as earrings and makeup and accessories to help distract.
Speaking of wigs…
I had a wig party last night!
It was originally scheduled to happen on my birthday, but I wasn’t feeling well enough to go, so it was rescheduled for last night, and the timing could not have been more perfect. It was at Coco Coquette in East Austin and it was the most fun! They did our makeup and the best part is that we all got to keep our wigs!
Here are some pictures from our photo shoot:
My cousin, getting her smolder on. Seriously, she’s killin’ it.
My other cousin, looking like a beautiful cupcake princess!
My sister looking like America’s Next Top Model
And the sweetest Fleet sisters you’ll ever meet, with their killer smiles!
And then, there’s me…
“Pretend it’s raining cats!”… Brie’s face = “Oh well.”
Betty Crocker pose. Nailed it.
It was magical and everything that I needed. If you’re ever in Austin and looking for a fun party, hit them up. They’ll make it worth it.